Managing Our Stress During the Holidays

By Dr. Rachel Gilgoff

 

The holidays can feel magical—time with family and friends, fun traditions, and the excitement of gifts and surprises. But they can also be a lot. Between school finals, work deadlines, holiday parties, marathon cooking sessions, and other disruptions to our daily routines, and end-of-year stress, many people arrive at the holidays already running on empty.

However, even beyond the busy schedules and added pressure, the holidays can evoke strong emotions—especially when family is involved. Families are complicated, and old dynamics often resurface just when we least expect—or want—them to.

Many people carry painful memories stemming from one or multiple Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs. ACEs are traumatic or stressful events that happen before the age of 18, and can have a lifelong impact on our overall well-being. ACEs can include experiencing divorce, witnessing domestic violence, living with a parent with a substance use disorder, or experiencing abuse or neglect, among others. Three out of five of us have experienced at least one ACE, and many of us have experienced more.

Kids who encounter multiple ACEs face a greater risk of health problems in adulthood, including cancer, obesity, diabetes, autoimmune issues, and heart disease. ACEs also increase the likelihood of mental health challenges like depression, anxiety, PTSD, and substance misuse disorder.

If we have had ACEs or other life stressors, the pressure of the holidays and being around family can trigger memories and reopen emotional wounds. This can cause many of us to look for ways to self-soothe that aren’t the healthiest for our bodies and minds, such as:

• Excessive drinking and substance use to numb stress, avoid difficult feelings, or escape overwhelming emotions
• Overeating or undereating as a way to cope with anxiety or lack of control
• Withdrawing or isolating from friends, family, or activities
• Overspending to distract from emotional discomfort or to “prove” something
• Overcommitting to tasks, events, or work to avoid sitting with feelings
• Lashing out or escalating conflicts because emotions feel too big to manage
• Doom-scrolling or excessive screen time to disconnect from present situations
• People-pleasing to avoid conflict or discomfort, even at a personal cost

The good news is: You are not alone, and there are ways to ease holiday stress that work for everyone. Here are some ways to start:

1. Find your people. Connect with a person or people you feel close to – your best friend, a group text chain, your partner, or a therapist – anyone you can express your feelings to when you’re feeling overwhelmed. It’s a sign of strength to seek out and ask for the support you need.
2. Gift holiday values… to yourself.  It may sound trite, but keeping kindness, compassion, and empathy close to our hearts can help us manage our expectations, particularly if we feel triggered by a person or situation. For example, we may have high expectations and feel let down when things don’t go as planned. If this happens, show yourself kindness, compassion, and empathy, and remember we are all trying to do our best.
3. Regulate, relate, reason.  As Dr. Bruce Perry says in his co-authored book with Oprah Winfrey, “What happened to you?: Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing,” When we are triggered by a tense or heavy discussion or argument, our thinking brain goes offline, we stop listening, and instinctual emotions take over. We can help the situation by first regulating our own emotions, which may require a break or removing ourselves from the situation. Once we feel calm, we can try to relate or find a way to understand the other person’s perspective. Finally, when both are calm and back in our thinking brains, we can try again to reason, solve the problem, or continue the conversation together.
4. Structure and predictability. When possible, make a plan, create to-do lists, or a schedule to create some structure in anticipation of what’s ahead. It’s healthy to communicate your needs thoughtfully and stand up for yourself when needed.
5. Stress busters. Remember the basics: eat healthy, move your body, and gett enough sleep. Often these essentials become “should do’s” which add more stress. Appreciate the good things you’re already doing for yourself. Carve out time for activities that bring you pleasure, for example, listening to music, meditating, or taking a walk every day. Most importantly, if you do find yourself struggling, have compassion for yourself. We’re all in this together.

To learn about healthy ways to manage stress and help heal from the impacts of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), check out California’s Live Beyond campaign.

 

Dr. Rachel Gilgoff is currently an adviser with the California Aces Aware Initiative, Senior Clinical and Science Advisor, ACEs Aware Initiative, UCLA UCSF ACEs and Family Resilience Network, and Adjunct Clinical Associate Professor, Department of Pediatrics, Division of Allergy and Immunology, Stanford University School of Medicine.